Inhale Authenticity, Exhale Stigma

There’s a stemless glass of red wine resting on a teal crushed glass Anthropologie coaster to my right, and two content doggies quietly chewing their post-dinner marrow bones on the carpet.  They’re happy, and so am I.  We are waiting for Will to come home from his workday and enjoy our evening together.  Music from our favorite band, The Disco Biscuits, is streaming in the background, and I’m hopeful the sound will lend some momentum to my fingers resting on the keyboard.

To my left lay a chaotic stack of hand stamped wedding thank you cards waiting to be written, a rainbow pile of sharpies (squee!), and hand-rolled, king-sized marijuana cigarette delicately balanced on a pewter ashtray.  A spiral of smoke slowly crawls towards the ceiling.  My joint goes out as I type, so I relight.

Pause. Cast your initial judgement, and remember your perception.  No hard feelings, it’s our natural instinct.

What if I told you what the scene felt like, instead of what it looked like?

It was a long day at work.  Today was a “bad food day.”  A familiar day where I wake up with intense, unwavering nausea – not pregnant for the record.  Breakfast wasn’t going to happen, but coffee had to, and I was running late for work as usual.  Ever puke while driving or in a work bathroom?  Terrifying.  Hydration is key, so I filled my water bottle once I arrived to work.  Lunch was ok, I pulled myself together and ate a balsamic chicken salad with roasted tomatoes.  Thankfully, it settled.

Have you ever felt continuously repulsed by eating food in any way, shape or form…for longer than one year?  I want to be hungry, I want to eat, I want my body to absorb the nutrients it needs to thrive from the food I eat.  Ugh, wine refill.

People are literally starving and dying on this earth while I’m here slamming my fingers across the keyboard, complaining about being sick to my stomach.  And then there’s those who suffer from eating disorders.  Also, I shouldn’t even be drinking wine anyway, it just increases inflammation.  Mmmmmm guilt.  

Ok, but why can’t you eat?  

 

Truth Bomb #1

I am currently weaning off Cymbalta, a medication prescribed to me by a doctor for peripheral neuropathic pain, muscle pain, anxiety, and major depression.  

Cymbalta is classified as a selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, or SNRI. The medication works by increasing the amount of serotonin, our “happiness hormone,” in the brain which helps improve mood and reduce anxiety and depression. Cymbalta also releases norepinephrine, which stops the movement of pain signals in the brain and helps reduce sensations of pain in the body.

The good news? 

This medication does its job, and well.  The pain has stopped and the depression and anxiety have significantly improved.  

The bad news?  

My body physically cannot tolerate the side effects of the medication, and I have to stop taking it.  There is no other traditional pharma treatment options left; my body cannot tolerate SNRI’s or SSRI’s.  

The History

Since starting Cymbalta in October of 2015, I have inadvertently lost 20 lbs. I never intended to lose.  I clock in at a towering 5’11, and was an active and healthy size 6 before all of this.  Nine percent of users experience weight loss between 1 – 3 lbs.  Two percent of Cymbalta users have reported a notable weight loss while on the medication, and severe weight loss can be dangerous.

According to the explanation of side effects, a decrease in appetite may be a byproduct of the norepinephrine increase.  Stimulation of the central nervous system tends to decrease a person’s appetite.  Another effect some people experience while taking Cymbalta is nausea.  Users may feel nauseous prior to eating meals and/or during the consumption of food.  Feeling nauseous is a pretty quick way to decrease a person’s appetite.  In some extreme cases like mine, this can lead to vomiting, which can also contribute to severe weight loss.  And for the cherry on top, the stimulatory effect of the norepinephrine in Cymbalta is believed to speed up a user’s metabolism.  A racing metabolism can result in unexpected weight loss without increasing exercise or making dietary changes.  My metabolism feels like it’s training for a marathon, and I can’t give my body the good caloric nutrition it needs to keep up.    

 

 

The nerve pain is not new, but also not congenital.  

It first started in early 2011, just after a mononucleosis diagnosis.  Mononucleosis is a sonofabitch virus plagued with a reputation of causing prolonged illness in some individuals.  I had contracted the “kissing disease” as a recent post grad who was horribly single and had no good story to show for it.

Sometimes, the nerve pain is expressed as a seething, burning feeling, like every skin cell on my body is screaming.  One winter, my ass barely grazed the top of a cold toilet seat in Canada, and I thought I had sat on the devil himself.  The skin sensitivity is not only uncomfortable, but also unbearable at times.  Sometimes it only affects parts of my scalp, so I wear my hair down or with a beanie that day because a ponytail is honestly too painful.

Other times, it feels like I have flue-like, full body aches, radiating from my toes and ankles, up to my knees, then hands, and fingers.  The pain always occurs on both sides of the body, i.e. both knees are in pain at the same time.   I saw rheumatology specialist, and after diligently checking me out, he mentioned that I need a REALLY good night’s sleep.  Cool, thanks.  An overnight sleep study was also conducted, to check for neurological symptoms and attempt to explain the chronic fatigue and chilling nightmares.  All test results remain normal.

After still not feeling fully recovered halfway through that year, I saw a series of doctors who finally determined I had an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s.  Hashimoto’s causes hypothyroidism, which means my body doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormone to run smoothly.  It’s taken some time and countless blood panels, but my thyroid levels have been steadily balanced.  Win!  

 The Gluten – Thyroid Connection: Real Talk.

Fast forward two years later, and I’m still not feeling quite right.  My trusted endocrinologist moved, and my new specialist told me I had no reason to take Synthroid, but to start taking Vitamin D for the widespread pain instead.  I felt so defeated.

After refusing to live with chronic pain and fatigue, I visited a alternative care provider for the first time, a holistic chiropractor.  He spent an hour with me asking questions, reviewing my overall health history, poking, prodding, and checking my fingernails and tongue.  Upon discovering the presence of autoimmune disease, especially Hashimoto’s, he advised I discontinue the consumption of gluten immediately.  WHAT? Nooooooo!   

Research indicates, the molecular structure of gliadin, which is the protein portion of gluten, closely resembles that of the thyroid gland. When gliadin breaches the protective barrier of the gut, and enters the bloodstream, the immune system tags it for destruction. These antibodies to gliadin also cause the body to attack thyroid tissue. This means if you have an autoimmune disease of the thyroid and you eat foods containing gluten, your immune system will attack your thyroid.  I had been poisoning my body with my favorite foods, and I have a lumpy, cratered thyroid gland to prove it.  

That night, I had my “Last Supper,” which really meant choking down a few pieces of buffalo chicken pizza and micro brew IPA – all of which I puked up 30 minutes later.  OK universe, message received – no more gluten.   Within three days of completely cutting gluten from my diet, I noticed a significant increase to my qualify of life.  My digestive system started to heal, my skin and eyes looked better, and I had more energy.  My doc also recommended cutting out casein, the protein portion of dairy, but come on people, cheese.  Four years later, I am still 100% gluten free and have no doubt this lifestyle change was necessary for me. 

What is inflammation, and what is it all about?

Inflammation is a necessary part of our body’s healing process after we’ve injured ourselves.  If your body has been injured, your immune system gathers its troops, rushes to the area in need of repair, and goes to work.  The injured area becomes red and puffy as a physical immune response, and your immune system fights off pathogens like viruses and bacteria that don’t belong in your body.

But what if you’re constantly re-injuring yourself, day after day, without even realizing it?  The internal inflammation never goes away.  That’s exactly what happens if you keep irritating your gut lining with foods and chemicals you are sensitive to.   

Here’s the kicker, though.  

Other sources of chronic inflammatory stress include: psychological stress, excess Omega-6 fats, inadequate Omega-3s, and sleep deprivation.  All of these things are serious stressors, and if they are a constant presences in your life, they are causing chronic inflammation.

If the inflammation is in your gut, you probably won’t see it the way you would see a splinter dug into your finger, but the inflammation is still there, screwing up your insides and mucking up previously “well-oiled”  bodily systems and functions. 

The root problem here is the injury. Inflammation is just a symptom.  Inflammation is the sign of a perfectly healthy body reacting in a perfectly normal way to chronic, repeated injury. Your body is doing everything right; it’s just taking a beating that’s too hard for it to really deal with.  If the symptom of inflammation continues for too long, it can also become a problem in its own right.

Acute inflammation isn’t a problem, but chronic inflammation can actually become a symptom that causes problems of its own.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell the cause from the effect: most chronic diseases come along with inflammation, but is it the inflammation that causes the disease, or the disease that causes the inflammation?

For at least a few diseases, there’s some evidence that inflammation is actually the cause.  For example, cytokines are an important part of the immune reaction to infections, inflammation, and injuries of all kinds, but some cytokines are proinflammatory.  Proinflammatory cytokines and chronic inflammation can make diseases worse. Just to name a few:

• Alzheimer’s Disease
• Depression
• Cancer
• Diabetes

If chronic inflammation stopped everything from working quite right, it would be bad enough. The fact that it contributes to all kinds of chronic diseases takes it up a few notches from a worry to a serious problem.  Science, FTW.

Now Back To The Cannabis

What bodily system, along with the hypothalamus, not only has a major influence on, but also controls the sensation of appetite? The human endocannabinoid system!  

One side effect, and one main reason I use cannabis reads, “may cause feelings of insatiable appetite.”  To my delight, this side effect is strong 🙂  I literally just ate a cookie and two pieces of pita bread just now, and it was awesome. I had salad at lunch, whatever.

But why is the naturally occurring endocannabinoid system important to our sensation of appetite?  There’s still an abundance of scientific questions about the medical benefits of cannabis, but research indicates that THC receptors fit into the brain’s olfactory bulb and increase your ability to smell and taste food, therefore leading you to eat more of it.  Placebo or real you may argue; I don’t care, it works for me.

 

Truth Bomb #2

I am a medical marijuana patient.  

In the state of Massachusetts, I have been prescribed medical marijuana by a real doctor with a real practice.  The doctor reviewed both my physical and mental health history, and asked my reason for seeking medical marijuana as a treatment option.  The state mandates a patient requires at least one “good reason” to be prescribed, and my doctor chose to write it for chronic spine pain due to a congenitally malformed lower spinal structure in combination with a unilateral spondylolysis of my L5 vertebrae, an injury I sustained as a little kiddo when my spine was still mushy cartilage, before it solidified into bone later in life.  The doctor explained documenting chronic structural pain as the prescription reason would give me a better chance of the state approving my MMJ application.  Apparently, the request for medical marijuana due to consistent, debilitating nausea causing extreme weight loss and malnutrition is a grey area.  Interesting.

I legally purchase my medical marijuana with a state issued patient card at legal medical marijuana dispensary in my city, which also benefits my local economic ecosystem as an added bonus.  I smoke, eat, vape and topically apply my medical marijuana legally, in our single family with the front shades drawn.  The state legally identifies my husband as my medical caregiver, which means he can legally enter the medical dispensary and purchase my medicine on my behalf.  I’m so grateful for this section of the law; some days I physically can’t buy the medicine I need.  It’s the same as when he picks up my Synthroid prescription from our local Walgreens.  

 

Truth Bomb #3

Medical marijuana helps me eat.

I’m taking Cymbalta for pain, depression and anxiety.  I can no longer take the medication I need due to the serious side effect of unhealthy weight loss and never ending nausea.  Cannabis helps fight the nausea, allows me to eat the food I need to heal and regain my strength, and helps me to remember to eat, a basic need I forget on a daily basis.  “Why eat if you’re not hungry” – Brain.

Once I’m finally off the medication, the nausea will eventually subside, and food might smell, taste and feel good again.  But the pain caused by the depression, in turn causing the inflammation, will be back.  It’s a nasty, toxic, infuriating, vicious cycle, and it’s hard to pinpoint the initial, direct cause.

Chronic Inflammation → Depression → Physical Pain  → Depression → Chronic Inflammation

 

Truth Bomb #4

I am so fucking lucky.  

The universe has given me a lot over the past 28 years.  I met and married a fiercely smart, wise-beyond-his-years, brave, passionate man, and we love each other madly with a force that’s barely explainable.  We share a beautiful home that we found after ten long months of searching in an apocalyptic housing market for even the most qualified buyers. Our home was made possible by a combination of efforts of our own hard work, and the hard work from our families who love us unconditionally, despite some philosophical differences.

Will and I both have great jobs that provide career experience and the financial means to see a crap load of live music, eat occasional takeout, and pay our bills (mostly) on time – student loans, boo.  Despite the occasional financial freak out spurred by the growing pains of your twenties, we live comfortably.     

We have the two sweetest, most incredible dogs who light up our life and love electronic jam music as much as we do, which is a riot.  We found an abandoned ferret who we adopted and he is a goddamn gentleman, despite the occasional and forgivable stray poo outside his litter box.  We are also the proud mom and dad of a badass 35 gallon saltwater fish tank.  

Our incredible web of friends is mind blowing.  These humans, you know who you are, do what people who love you do best: they put their arms around you and love you, even when you’re prickly and not-so-lovable, squeezing tighter when you need it most.             

Throughout this process though, I am especially grateful for one discovery in particular: learning about emotional intelligence and discovering I’m not only “highly” emotionally sensitive but also have the personality trait of an Empath.  If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.  Despite being terrified at first, this discovery has allowed me to begin the practice of understanding and owning MY emotions and feelings while interacting with others.  This is a difficult, yet necessary practice.  

If I can learn to master existing as an Empath, protect my inner truth, and live honestly, I might discover a life that exists with less depression, anxiety, inflammation, and pain.

This is who I am; it’s nice to finally meet you.

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TLDR; I suffer from chronic bodily inflammation and am using medical marijuana as a way to heal physically & mentally, as well as regain strength and increase my quality of life. Warning, contains science.